Newsflash: Beauty, money and brains do not necessarily affair-proof your relationship. If men can cheat on women like Princess Diana, Jackie Kennedy, Hilary Clinton or Halle Berry, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Prevailing wisdom says infidelity is a symptom of a bad marriage, but the latest research shows that availability and opportunity are the main reasons people have affairs.
Shock, devastation, rage and mourning are some of the emotions women go through on discovering their partner's infidelity, but does this mean the death of your marriage? Not necessarily. While the circumstances differ in every affair, the way couples react will determine whether their relationship can weather the storm. The amount of goodwill between you is key.
You could even use the affair as a way to transform your relationship since intense situations can promote more meaningful communication. So before you rush off to the divorce courts, stay calm, take a deep breath and try the following options.
Mourn what is lost
Whether you stay together or split up is irrelevant to the importance of this period. You need to mourn the loss of your future expectations too. Things can never be the same again. You need to face that.
Assess the damage
How badly has it affected you and your relationship? Some want the long-term relationship to end. Others feel they can tolerate infidelity, while a few are able to use the affair to learn a valuable lesson about changes they should make.
Share your pain
Writing down all your feelings can help you to express them. Confiding in close and supportive friends can help you to let go of emotions. Psychologists strongly recommend counselling to help you through your heartache.
Process your anger
Be kind to yourself. Something major has occurred and you need time to work through it. Have a good cry. Phone a close friend. Beat a carpet. You have a right to be angry.
Give yourself time
Rather than fall back to an emotional no-man's land where nothing can move forward or return to how it was, deal with each part of the process as it arises and accept that feelings of grief, jealousy, anger and confusion are natural.
Avoid all-night discussions
It is better to fix short times to talk about what has happened rather than spend hours going over the same ground. Arguing and bickering usually ends up with both of you stuck behind emotionally defensive walls that will prevent you from resolving anything.
Communicate
You may be wary of trusting your partner, but sharing how you feel can help him to understand the impact of the affair. The unfaithful partner must be willing to talk about why he (or she) did it and both of you should commit to making changes. Use your newfound knowledge to alter your relationship. Talk about what you both expect from the relationship, and how this can be achieved. This can be painful, but it is worth it.
Make a list
Note what would need to change if the relationship is to continue. One change may include agreeing to never to see the lover again. Show your lists to each other. The more “yes” answers you can agree to, the better the chance the relationship has of succeeding.
Prevent jealousy
Jealousy is a by-product of fear and low self-esteem. The best way to prevent destructive jealousy is to improve your sense of self-esteem. Develop and nurture your own friendships and pursuits so that you have areas of life where you feel you are able and supported. Then ask yourself if he truly is worth sticking around for.
Join the Conversation